So relieved that I am done with my 2000 words of reflective essay in just two days. Now, I have another three workload to complete before Friday. I can do this. My head is still above water :) ....for now.
As I was looking back at what is shaping my life in Cardiff (in relation to my essay), I found out that the biggest factor that weakens me and my study progress was allowing the personal issues to consume my thoughts. No wonder the white hair I've been getting lately :P but yeah, really. I guess I am that vulnerable towards things like this. I always THINK about it but never TALK about it. Probably this contributed to me feeling shallow at times here. Or just maybe, I have no one to talk to here. I don't know.
For what it is worth, this is the only place I can vent out without being judged directly.
I just wished I had the flexibility to say things out without hesitation and spare myself some embarrassment.
..................
Who am I kidding.
I honestly wished that my go-to person had more time for me and vice versa. I do not know what factor to blame on. Is it the time difference? Or maybe we are just too busy and by the end of the day, what matters to us most are our bed.
Never mind.. Put everything in moderation! :)
As long as we're in touch, yes?
x
I've been thinking. Are you happy?
One single question can get you thinking for hours or even weeks. I don't know if this is right for me to question it, but oh wells, vulnerable thoughts aside.
Last week I went all out shopping in Bridgend. Probably my first retail therapy sesh in 2012. It felt so great after having to save up for something important.. hehehe. Partially thanks to my parents for sending some dough my way :P (but I'll pay back when I get home. Haha.)
Spring break in a week. Woohoo! Finally a break from waking up early and fall asleep in lectures ;p
I am looking forward for April actually. Cannot wait to spend it with my good friends in Sheffield. Let the good times roll... again! :D
I am going to visit Pembrokeshire for a visit on the 16th! Super excited to see this smallest city in Wales.
This Shell-house from Harry Potter set probably won't be there. But I hope I get to step on this beach.
Just because.
And then, before Exam term starts, en route to Sheffield to meet up with my good friend! Weeee :D
All of the sudden, it came back.
I don't know if I should embrace it again. I've been too lenient lately. I've been too easy.
That doesn't mean I am the weak kind.
I just don't understand why a simple thing like this can be so complicated.
Deep thoughts aside. A peek of my weekend.
Two words: Good fun!
Finally, something that made my deep thoughts paused for a bit from cluttering my mind.
I needed that.
And oh, look who's knocking on the door? November.
Time sure flies.
I can't believe I've been residing here for almost two months now! And yes, still home sick.
I had the worst start to my Monday on my 2nd week of Uni life.
Dreadful. Today, I swear/cussed more than I used to. This place sure is turning me into a new ugly and odd leaf. BUT PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE BE NOT IT, MJAY!!
Ugh.
First, I missed my bus. And then the next bus I suppose to get on to were full. And by then it was already 15mins to my 1st lecture of the day at 9am! but thankfully, me and my friend resorted to call a taxi.. if we decided to walk, it'd take eons to get there... Secondly, our timetable got messed up.
Thirdly, I am fecking broke. I am left with crumbs on my table.
But this is a challenge. A challenge I accepted. So I will (try to) prevail.
On a very geram note, I don't think it's okay for a sudden sorry without any further explanation. I mean, you can't say your sorrys without a legit explanation. No? It is just not right. For a second you were there..and then? Poof! Gone. And then, boom! You're there again. What is this. I don't like it.
I swear I am this <---> close to punch something/someone cos I'm agitated with tons of things right now.
I already blew some foul language to someone this morning! I don't want to get physical. I once did, and I swore that I would not do it again. So please.
I really need therapy. RETAIL THERAPY. But with my condition, I can't do that just yet.
It has been a while since I last picked up the guitar and strum away my doubts. Felt good, what more into having the whole house to myself for hours.. I have the ultimate freedom to sound ugly and wrong and no one would judge me for the outcome ;D
I think this is by far the best laziest day I ever had. Cause I felt carefree somehow. And I decided to shut myself out from reality. I deserve a break from the whole world and just spend some alone time. A time for myself to reflect and also, planning my dream vacation.
And my dream vacation destination is to Greece! :D
I hope I get to live this awesome moment in the near future. Amen amen amen! :))
A girl gotta dream.
For now, it is only a dream ;)
Oh!
Its our 6.5th years together! :D :D
I can see myself being married to him sooner or later.
We wrap our hearts with cloth, folding the fabric twice over, cautious and scared. Always scared. We were told that the heart is a fragile thing; something to be carried with both hands cupped. We lock it, carry it in our pockets, build cities and fortresses around it, safe. Always safe.
But safe also means hidden, kept from, concealed. Safe means buried in a place that the sunlight cannot reach. And these hearts of ours — these precious, beating things — were meant, more than anything, to be given away to the world.
There is a reason why the heart is flesh and raw and tender. There is a reason why it is soft and easily bruised. There is a reason why the poets ardently ask that you wear it on your sleeve.
I am learning that only the vulnerable heart can love rightly.
The vulnerable heart lays its crown aside, removes all defenses and absorbs the impact. And it is only until you are willing to get crushed and rejected, until you are willing to play the part of the fool, until you are willing to be humiliated and broken and scarred, that you will understand the virtue of love.
Because love is not the feeling that they told us about.
Love is fierce and love is fearless. Love is not afraid to take risks. It does not count the cost, holds no measuring stick against the finite. It does not compromise. It is relentless and passionate and big. Love does not hesitate because love is not self-entitled. It does not stop to think about what it deserves because love lays down all its rights. It will concede to the possibility of getting trampled on but, even then, it will persist. Love refuses to be tied down by fear.
And I guess, at some point, we must all begin the impossible task of taking our hearts out of the secret places we’ve kept them hidden. Out of jars and vaults and basements and closets; out of coffins and treasure chests and citadels made of indestructible steel.
And when the unhedged heart is free to dance and love, when it is unencumbered by the shadows we’ve clothed it in — yes, even after it has been sucker-punched in the gut by heartbreak — we will find that the true danger of the world is staying safe in the first place.
The idea of not seeing her grow up in front of my eyes breaks my heart.
Everyone around me is pretty excited.
I am pretty excited to shop and just come back. But who am I kidding. I have a whole lot of responsibility to do once I turn independent drastically.. Truth be told, I suck being independent. But I am pretty sure, as time past, I'll learn gradually. We're not forever young, right?! We can't be fed with milk allllll the time.. (Hahaha, look who's talking?!)
I only wish and hope for the best for my family here. And you and you and you and you.
Know that you're always dear to me.
So here it goes, a song for this spur of the moment:
An important phone call made my day today. I almost missed the call because I was too engrossed with planning a reunion and texting with you! ;D
But that aside, I, literally, shed happy tears. Someone pinch me already! Really, is that for real?
I have nothing more to say but giving my gratuitous to God. I thought things would not work out for me after I screwed it big time but I guess God knows better. He sets my journey. And now...here I am. Just staring at my new beginning.
As of now, I am still awed. Shocked to be exact. And sad. And kind of reluctant. I still cannot believe this. It haven't even started one bit but I already miss you. :(
So relieved that I am done with my 2000 words of reflective essay in just two days. Now, I have another three workload to complete before Friday. I can do this. My head is still above water :) ....for now.
As I was looking back at what is shaping my life in Cardiff (in relation to my essay), I found out that the biggest factor that weakens me and my study progress was allowing the personal issues to consume my thoughts. No wonder the white hair I've been getting lately :P but yeah, really. I guess I am that vulnerable towards things like this. I always THINK about it but never TALK about it. Probably this contributed to me feeling shallow at times here. Or just maybe, I have no one to talk to here. I don't know.
For what it is worth, this is the only place I can vent out without being judged directly.
I just wished I had the flexibility to say things out without hesitation and spare myself some embarrassment.
..................
Who am I kidding.
I honestly wished that my go-to person had more time for me and vice versa. I do not know what factor to blame on. Is it the time difference? Or maybe we are just too busy and by the end of the day, what matters to us most are our bed.
Never mind.. Put everything in moderation! :)
As long as we're in touch, yes?
x
I've been thinking. Are you happy?
One single question can get you thinking for hours or even weeks. I don't know if this is right for me to question it, but oh wells, vulnerable thoughts aside.
Last week I went all out shopping in Bridgend. Probably my first retail therapy sesh in 2012. It felt so great after having to save up for something important.. hehehe. Partially thanks to my parents for sending some dough my way :P (but I'll pay back when I get home. Haha.)
Spring break in a week. Woohoo! Finally a break from waking up early and fall asleep in lectures ;p
I am looking forward for April actually. Cannot wait to spend it with my good friends in Sheffield. Let the good times roll... again! :D
I am going to visit Pembrokeshire for a visit on the 16th! Super excited to see this smallest city in Wales.
This Shell-house from Harry Potter set probably won't be there. But I hope I get to step on this beach.
Just because.
And then, before Exam term starts, en route to Sheffield to meet up with my good friend! Weeee :D
All of the sudden, it came back.
I don't know if I should embrace it again. I've been too lenient lately. I've been too easy.
That doesn't mean I am the weak kind.
I just don't understand why a simple thing like this can be so complicated.
Deep thoughts aside. A peek of my weekend.
Two words: Good fun!
Finally, something that made my deep thoughts paused for a bit from cluttering my mind.
I needed that.
And oh, look who's knocking on the door? November.
Time sure flies.
I can't believe I've been residing here for almost two months now! And yes, still home sick.
I had the worst start to my Monday on my 2nd week of Uni life.
Dreadful. Today, I swear/cussed more than I used to. This place sure is turning me into a new ugly and odd leaf. BUT PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE BE NOT IT, MJAY!!
Ugh.
First, I missed my bus. And then the next bus I suppose to get on to were full. And by then it was already 15mins to my 1st lecture of the day at 9am! but thankfully, me and my friend resorted to call a taxi.. if we decided to walk, it'd take eons to get there... Secondly, our timetable got messed up.
Thirdly, I am fecking broke. I am left with crumbs on my table.
But this is a challenge. A challenge I accepted. So I will (try to) prevail.
On a very geram note, I don't think it's okay for a sudden sorry without any further explanation. I mean, you can't say your sorrys without a legit explanation. No? It is just not right. For a second you were there..and then? Poof! Gone. And then, boom! You're there again. What is this. I don't like it.
I swear I am this <---> close to punch something/someone cos I'm agitated with tons of things right now.
I already blew some foul language to someone this morning! I don't want to get physical. I once did, and I swore that I would not do it again. So please.
I really need therapy. RETAIL THERAPY. But with my condition, I can't do that just yet.
It has been a while since I last picked up the guitar and strum away my doubts. Felt good, what more into having the whole house to myself for hours.. I have the ultimate freedom to sound ugly and wrong and no one would judge me for the outcome ;D
I think this is by far the best laziest day I ever had. Cause I felt carefree somehow. And I decided to shut myself out from reality. I deserve a break from the whole world and just spend some alone time. A time for myself to reflect and also, planning my dream vacation.
And my dream vacation destination is to Greece! :D
I hope I get to live this awesome moment in the near future. Amen amen amen! :))
A girl gotta dream.
For now, it is only a dream ;)
Oh!
Its our 6.5th years together! :D :D
I can see myself being married to him sooner or later.
We wrap our hearts with cloth, folding the fabric twice over, cautious and scared. Always scared. We were told that the heart is a fragile thing; something to be carried with both hands cupped. We lock it, carry it in our pockets, build cities and fortresses around it, safe. Always safe.
But safe also means hidden, kept from, concealed. Safe means buried in a place that the sunlight cannot reach. And these hearts of ours — these precious, beating things — were meant, more than anything, to be given away to the world.
There is a reason why the heart is flesh and raw and tender. There is a reason why it is soft and easily bruised. There is a reason why the poets ardently ask that you wear it on your sleeve.
I am learning that only the vulnerable heart can love rightly.
The vulnerable heart lays its crown aside, removes all defenses and absorbs the impact. And it is only until you are willing to get crushed and rejected, until you are willing to play the part of the fool, until you are willing to be humiliated and broken and scarred, that you will understand the virtue of love.
Because love is not the feeling that they told us about.
Love is fierce and love is fearless. Love is not afraid to take risks. It does not count the cost, holds no measuring stick against the finite. It does not compromise. It is relentless and passionate and big. Love does not hesitate because love is not self-entitled. It does not stop to think about what it deserves because love lays down all its rights. It will concede to the possibility of getting trampled on but, even then, it will persist. Love refuses to be tied down by fear.
And I guess, at some point, we must all begin the impossible task of taking our hearts out of the secret places we’ve kept them hidden. Out of jars and vaults and basements and closets; out of coffins and treasure chests and citadels made of indestructible steel.
And when the unhedged heart is free to dance and love, when it is unencumbered by the shadows we’ve clothed it in — yes, even after it has been sucker-punched in the gut by heartbreak — we will find that the true danger of the world is staying safe in the first place.
The idea of not seeing her grow up in front of my eyes breaks my heart.
Everyone around me is pretty excited.
I am pretty excited to shop and just come back. But who am I kidding. I have a whole lot of responsibility to do once I turn independent drastically.. Truth be told, I suck being independent. But I am pretty sure, as time past, I'll learn gradually. We're not forever young, right?! We can't be fed with milk allllll the time.. (Hahaha, look who's talking?!)
I only wish and hope for the best for my family here. And you and you and you and you.
Know that you're always dear to me.
So here it goes, a song for this spur of the moment:
An important phone call made my day today. I almost missed the call because I was too engrossed with planning a reunion and texting with you! ;D
But that aside, I, literally, shed happy tears. Someone pinch me already! Really, is that for real?
I have nothing more to say but giving my gratuitous to God. I thought things would not work out for me after I screwed it big time but I guess God knows better. He sets my journey. And now...here I am. Just staring at my new beginning.
As of now, I am still awed. Shocked to be exact. And sad. And kind of reluctant. I still cannot believe this. It haven't even started one bit but I already miss you. :(
This is where my personal train of thoughts goes on a random basis.
My life here on earth are pretty much inclined to the saying of a famous French phrase: "Cest La Vie". Live well, well life. xo